The Mansion Mishaps
by TheUnknowingKing
Summary: It was nothing short of a miracle that allowed the biggest group of misfits from Raccoon City to survive the Mansion Incident. See how the S.T.A.R.S stumble around a haunted mansion designed to really piss off it's inhabitants.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil. I do not own the games, the toys, the books, or any of the merchandise what so ever. Capcom owns these rights, but try telling a zombie that.

The Mansion Mishaps

Chapter 1

July 1998

Northwest Raccoon City

Arklay Mountain Range

S.T.A.R.S. Bravo Team- M.I.A.

S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team- Deployed/On Route

Captain Albert Wesker, the leader of the Raccoon city S.T.A.R.S. and captain of the S.T.A.R.S Alpha team had a tremendous migraine. He was seated in the Alpha team's helicopter as the Alpahs searched the forest bordering Raccoon city. They were searching for the crashed helicopter of their compatriots Bravo team. Wesker had been with the Raccoon city S.T.A.R.S. for a few weeks now, and already he could tell that these were the most socially retarded group of individuals he had ever had the misfortune of meeting. Over the course of those weeks, Wesker had been forced to act less like a commanding officer and more like a mother.

Brad Vickers the Alpha's pilot was the most cowardly member on the team, and whined about everything.

"I don't want to fly this helicopter anymore. You all make me feel apprehensive. I have to go to the bathroom too. Can we stop now?"

Chris Redfield the Alpha's marksmen and Joseph Frost the Alpha's Technician could not keep their hands to themselves.

"Wesker, Hey Wesker! Make Joseph stop touching me! Look see, he just licked his finger and touched my arm with it!"

Barry Burton the oldest member of the group and the heavy weapons guy was obsessively cleaning all the Alpha team's guns. Jill Valentine the Alpha's specialist was gazing out the window but turned her attention back inside the cabin and noticed Barry's utter devotion to the firearm in his hands.

"Must...stay...clean." said Barry as he clenched his teeth.

"Must...stay...clean."

He wiped the handle until the handle gleamed in the darkness. Jill felt a little scared just then.

"I hope that isin't Chris' gun."

Barry examined it closer.

"Yup it's Chris'. Hey Chris, I'll give this back to you later after I'm done with it."

"Man, I don't even know if I want it back."

So this rounded up the merry band of Alpha S.T.A.R.S. Wesker shuddered to think of what would happen if there hadn't been a second captain for the Bravo S.T.A.R.S. Considering what he was working with here, Wesker wasn't all that surprised the Bravo's helicopter crashed. To his left, Brad was starting to cry and directly in front of him, Joseph and Chris were wrestling on the cabin deck calling each other names.

Prompted by this idiocy, Wesker acted.

"Chris, your a former air force pilot and trained marksmen, act like one! Joseph, that bandanna on your forehead is for badasses, would any of them behave like this right now?!"

Joseph and Chris stopped fighting and went back to their seats like two kids afraid of what punishment their father might have for them.

"Brad, show some damn back-bone, remember, your a member of an organized unit!"

"But I-"

"Cut it! Zip it! I don't want to hear another word out of you, you got that?"

Brad started to whimper.

"No noise Brad!"

Brad stopped.

"Barry, I appreciate the fact that you're looking over our firearms, but if you're going to clean the trigger guard so vigorously, could you at least put the safety on?"

"Oh...sure thing captain Wesker."

"And Jill?"

Jill turned away from the window and faced Wesker.

"Burn in hell." Jill turned away from Wesker and faced the window. She hadn't really done anything, Wesker simply didn't like girls. A professional, dignified silence fell over the cabin.

Unfortunately, Barry's finger slipped and he fired off a shot inside the copter. It didn't hit anybody, but it was enough to make Brad cry full force and gave Joseph the opportunity to sock Chris in the face. Wesker contemplated shooting all of them right then and there. The moment passed when Jill shouted that she had spotted the downed helicopter.

The Alphas disembarked save for Brad, and Wesker had them set up a perimeter around the crashed chopper. Wesker sent Joseph in to actually investigate the crash with the squad's only assault shotgun. Joseph came stumbling out of the helicopter almost as soon as he stepped in.

"Kevins- Kevins friggin in the there! He's dead, just sittin there with his left eye scratched out!" The same thought flitted through everybody's mind at once.

"_We have a Kevin?"_

Wesker told everybody to fan out, to search for signs of the remaining Bravo members. Each of them went in separate directions. As Joseph was heading off, he heard a faint rustle in the bushes beside him. He raised up his shotgun...and then lowered it back down.

He muttered "Must be a dog or something." Said dog lunged at Joseph and began ripping his throat out. The other S.T.A.R.S. Followed the sounds of snarling and screaming but Jill was the first to get there and opened fire immediately.

"What the friggin hell is wrong with these friggin dogs!? AHHH AHHHH Damn i- Ahhh you friggin mutts! Ahhhhhhh stop biting my manhood!"

Without realizing it, Jill was already shooting blanks.

_What the hell IS wrong with these dogs? They look half-decayed and it took me my whole clip just to bring two of them down. _

Joseph's screams grew fainter and fainter until Jill was certain he was dead. That's when the others finally showed up.

"Yeah way to go guys, you showed up right in the nick of time."

"Are we too late?" Asked Chris.

Joseph's body convulsed once.

"What do you think Chris?"

The dogs turned their attention to Jill. The alpha male led the charge.

"NO!" Screamed Chris.

He fired frantically and his shots went wild, missing their marks by miles. The dogs overtook Jill, but rather than kill her, the dogs were humping her with the alpha male on top of her like a mount.

Chris swore. "No damn you! She's mine I say! MINE!"

Chris threw his handgun at the alpha male; he had run out of ammo. For an expert marksmen, Chris sucked ass. As Jill screamed, Chris and the mounted alpha male locked eyes, both of them growling.

Wesker was firing his handgun on the other dogs. He reached inside his vest for a fresh clip.

"Barry." He asked. "Why aren't you firing?"

Barry carried the biggest and loudest weapon of the whole bunch. Wesker could tell that Barry was not firing the .357 magnum revolver because Wesker's eardrum hadn't ruptured yet. Barry held the behemoth of a weapon in a shooter's stance frozen and still.

"I c-can't." he said. "They remind me too much of Fluffy!"

"Then pretend they're just cats." Wesker replied icily.

"Kay."

Barry's first shot succeeded in frightening all the dogs and they backed away from Jill nervously. Chris helped her up and looked around for any safe refuge. The downed helicopter didn't serve as a suitable prospect. In the distance however, Chris spotted a mansion. A flock of shrieking crows hovered slightly above the rooftop and dispersed with a flash of lightning. The lightning illuminated the windows of the mansion. Many of the windows were smeared with blood and ominous shadows loomed past them, in one window a man with half his face missing shuffled onward.

Chris decided it must be a safe place.

"Jill, head for that mansion!"

Jill took off running. Chris turned around to check back on the dogs, right when one of them was lunging at him. In the time frame of a heartbeat, Wesker shot the dog in mid-lunge.

"WHAT DO YOU CALL THAT BITCH?!"

"Thanks Albert." And Chris sprinted off to catch up with Jill.

Wesker suddenly regretted saving Chris' life.

Jill turned back to see Chris catch up with her and the others following closely behind still firing.

"Chris...what did you mean "She's Mine!" back there anyway?"

"ummm... head for that mansion!" Chris said dramatically trying to change the subject and make Jill forget.

"Ohmygosh!" She ran faster then asked a few seconds later

"What were we talking about?"

"umm... you said you'd let me...ummm do things to you."

"Oh okay!" Jill said cheerfully.

The fearsome trio of four heard the whrrrring of a helicopter. They looked up and saw one flying over them. It was heading off into the distance.

"Brad?! Where the hell's he going?!" Asked Chris.

Wesker fired on the helicopter just hoping that one of his shots would be lucky enough to kill Brad. Chris joined in as well, but since he didn't have a gun, he made his hand into the shape of one and shouted "Bang Bang" with his mouth. It took everything Wesker had not to shoot Chris in the face.

Jill reached the double doors of the mansion before the others... and ran head first into them. Barry picked her up, shoved open the doors, and threw her inside. Barry got inside with Wesker right behind him. Wesker shut the doors behind him and locked it.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Resident Evil is owned by Capcom. The same makers of Dead-Rising and Megaman. They are a respectable and powerful corporation. This means that they are a lot more important than you. I'd like to make a toast to our own insignificance; cheers.

The Mansion Mishaps

Chapter 2

Jill stopped in the middle of the lobby and doubled over. She threw up her last meal all over the formerly exisquite red carpet. It didn't stop there either. She continued to vomit like an open faucet everywhere.

"Where's Chris?" Asked Barry.

Wesker looked him right in the eye. Though Barry couldn't see past his sunglasses.

"He's...."

Wesker stopped there. He knew exactly how to tell a lie. He was a master of this craft, and could invoke any emotion he so chose.

Jill made a noise that sounded close to "No" while still spewing out Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup on her shoes.

Barry covered his eyes with his hand. His voice quivered as he spoke.

"Not Joseph and Chris too."

Something heavy slammed into the front door the trio had gone through.

"OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR YOU BASTARDS!"

"I hate losing good men." Said Wesker.

"There's nothing we can do for them now is there?" Asked Barry

"No. I'm sorry to say."

Jill slowly stood up and wiped her mouth

"Are you quite done now?"

"Yeah, I think-"

Jill doubled over again and let loose another wave of regurgitation. Barry noticed something shiny within the pool and picked it up.

"So that's where my car keys have been!"

Three loud gunshots rang into the night, and everybody went dead quiet save for Jill who was still throwing up. Barry and Wesker looked at each other confused.

"Chris?"

"I'M OUT HERE YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

"...Jill, why don't you go in and investigate it."

Almost as if on cue, Jill stopped relieving the contents of her stomach. Jill nodded and made to leave. Barry however, stepped forward.

"Hold on, I'll go with you. Me and Chris go back a long time."

"Awww that's sweet, you're more interested in finding out what happened to your possibily dead friend than you are about making sure I don't end up dead as well."

Jill and Barry left the main hall via the western double doors. Wesker watched them leave. He stood still and basked in the glory.

_I'm FINALLY alone! They've all left me alone for ONCE!_

He let out a full laugh that told of unspoken horrors and evil intentions. Mid-laugh, Jill opened the doors slightly. Wesker stared at her.

"Umm... What were we.."

"Suspicious gunshot noises. West wing of the mansion."

"Right!"

She closed the doors. Wesker continued laughing.

"I'M STILL OUT HERE YOU FUCKING PRICKS!"

Wesker decided to give up.

_**JILL**_

Barry silently strode down the narrow pathway between the dining table and the wall. Jill followed closely behind. When they reached the other end of the dining table, Barry stooped down to examine something.

"Look here, there's blood all over the broken ketchup bottle." Said Barry.

He brushed it with two of his fingers.

"I hope this isn't Chris' blood." Barry remarked.

"I'll go and see what's in the next room, I call dibs on all the cool stuff there."

"Right, I'll stay here."

Jill moved on to the next room. She found herself in a darkly lit hallway expanding to the right and rounding a corner to the left. She heard a noise coming from the left and went in that direction. When she rounded the corner, she was confronted with the sight of a man kneeling down over another man. Jill saw that the man on the floor was wearing a S.T.A.R.S combat vest. She realized it was Ken. She also realized that the man on top of Ken was partially devouring his body. He ripped off a piece of Ken's neck in a gory fashion.

"Oh my God, you killed Kenny!" Jill screamed.

At the sound of her voice, the man began to stand up.

"Oh no, please don't get up on my account...."

He turned around. His face was grey and decaying. His body was rotting. His eyes were dead.

He was a zombie.

Jill ran down the hallway screaming, "I need an adult! I need an adult!"

She ran back through the door she came from and met up with Barry.

"Jill! What?!"

She hid behind Barry for protection.

"Look Barry, it's a monster!"

The zombie that had been eating Ken shuffled into view and stumbled out into the dining room.

"Ok! Let me handle it!"

Barry took out his Python .357 magnum revolver and fired three shots into the zombie's torso until it collapsed on the floor.

"....What kind of magnum revolver takes three bullets to kill a zombie?"

"Don't talk about my baby like that."

"Well, anyway, lets report this to Wesker."

As they crossed back to the door leading to the main entrance, Jill and Barry heard the door the zombie had come through close. There was no body on the floor either.

"You're gun really sucks Barry!"

They got back inside the main hall. Wesker was gone. And so was the large pool of Jill's vomit. The two of them looked around the room confused as hell.

_**WESKER**_

As soon as he was sure Jill and Barry were out of his listening range in the other side of the western double doors, Wesker went to the eastern double doors and left the main hall. His set objective in mind was to see which locks and puzzles had been activated throughout the estate. He was also interested in seeing first hand the effects of the T-virus on a human specieman.

"_I may need to use Jill or Barry later on, if most of the security measures have been followed to the letter. I'll assess this first, then I'll have to go about coercing one or the other into helping me past all the locks. Hopefully, they'll make some progress but then they'll get killed off by the test subjects running around this place. If not, I'm sure I can just do it myself."_

Wesker remembered another concern.

"_If any of the Bravos are still left alive...I'll let them progress through the estate and let them as well as the remaining Alphas tackle the estate's collection of bio-hazards. If any of them stumbles onto my secret though, I'll kill them immediately."_

Wesker smiled a little as he walked down the corridor, his glee barely containable. A zombie heard his footsteps and shuffled towards the sound. It moaned, hunger was it's only concern and food was walking straight towards it. But then, it actually saw Wesker...and turned right around and started shuffling off in the other direction.

Wesker grinned from ear to ear.

"You know, this isin't a safe neighborhood to be walking around alone by yourself..."

The zombie tried shuffling away faster.

Wesker kept up pace.

The zombie looked back over his shoulder and limped almost as fast as a normal man would walk.

Wesker made his strides longer.

The zombie flat out sprinted down the corridor.

Wesker was right on his heels.

The zombie tackled open the double doors to the next corridor with Wesker riding on his ass. All of

sudden, the first door on the right flung open.....

_**CHRIS**_

__Chris repeatedly slammed his fists against the mansion's entrance doors while screaming for someone to let him in. Behind him, the dogs closed in around him. Realizing that there was no way

he'd get in through the front, Chris ran around to the side of the mansion before the last dog could encircle his right.

"_There's got to be a side entrance or something damn it!" _

As he said this, Chris saw a little four foot iron fence surrounding a garden door into the mansion.

"_OH THANK-"_

A dog sank his jaws into Chris' left buttock, and refused to let go. Chris ran screaming as he dragged the dog through the dirt and tried to jump the fence. He fell over backwards as the remaining dogs caught up with him and swarmed him.

Right when they where about to maul him to death, the pack leader let out a short bark. The other dogs looked at him then back at Chris. They all got off of Chris and trotted back into the woods. The pack leader took one last glance at Chris and followed his pack into the woods, deciding to take pity on the dumb animal.

Chris slowly got back up. He struggled to get over the four foot iron fence and landed on the other side in complete exhaustion. His butt throbbed in pain, and Chris cursed his luck.

"_I just know I'm in for more crap like this."_

Chris pushed open the garden door just in time to see a zombie sprinting down the corridor. Wesker appeared right behind it. He totally stopped. Blank shock took over Wesker's face when he saw Chris. A moment later, he grinned in a way that sent shivers down Chris' spine. 

"Why hello there my dear Chris...." Wesker said in a dark tone.

Chris' butt throbbed in anticipation of the pain.


End file.
